Last Will and Testament
I, Corey Schaeffer, being of sound mind and body do set forth in writing this last will and testament, which I understand to be legally binding in this state of Kansas.
In case I don't return, or this document is found on my person, I assign the following items to the following people
Because he showed me kindness and mercy in times past, I bequeath my marble set with a real steely shooter to my cousin, Orville Stout.
A man needs someone he can trust at all times, so to my younger sister and confidant, I leave my valuable collectors editions John Carter of Mars comic books.
My genuine willow wood flipper crotch, which has sent many a stray cat to a new neighborhood, I give to my older brother, Thomas, one more weapon in the arsenal of the protector of us all.
Two headed coin, which can get a person out of a lot of trouble or earn a bit of spare change in a short wager, I grant to Sally Hoffermeyer, who'll never know how much I have admired her from afar.
To Jimmy Turnbull, I bestow my Old Timer pocket knife, good for cleaning your nails, gutting a fish or as a toothpick.
My secret spy decoder ring would go to Jonathan Spitzer, if he wasn't such a dork.
My lucky rabbit's foot goes to Herman Costa, who was with me during the biggest mistake of my life. If word gets out what happened, he's going to need it.
Thanks to you all for the difference you have made in my life. It has been an honor to be friends with you guys, and uh, girl.
I leave now, on perhaps my final quest, to tell Mom that I broke the cookie jar.